Places I've Never Visited, and That's Just Fine - Part One

A California Nude Beach

Unbeknownst to me, there are around 100 nude beaches in America. At least 26 of these are in California. As far as I can tell, it is illegal to flaunt the birthday suit when catching some rays at a public beach in the Golden State, however, not all California counties agree on what would be considered "in the buff." 

Los Angeles County, by far the most specific, considers "the genitals, vulva, pubis, pubic symphysis, pubic hair, buttocks, natal cleft, perineum, anus, anal region or pubic hair region of any person, or any portion of the breast at or below the upper edge of the areola thereof of any female person" to be a pubic, I mean, public nuisance. Marin County leaves a little less to the imagination by prohibiting "pubic hair, genitals, buttocks or any portion of the female breast below the top of the areola." Most of the other counties are somewhere in between. San Diego County's Law just says "No person over the age of ten years shall be nude and exposed to public view."  I was not able to find any restrictions for Humboldt County, specifically College Cove Beach.

Sunny College Cove Beach offers surfing, volleyball, jogging, sunbathing and swimming, all which can be enjoyed without the annoyance of apparel. Of course, the average temperature of the water is cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. According to the "truenudists" website, no, it's not saved as a favorite, about one-fourth of the beach is sand and the rest driftwood. The location is popular with young singles and even more popular with gawkers. Duh. 

So, if building sand castles while bare or boogie boarding au natural floats your boat, saunter on down to College Cove Beach and get your nudist on. As for me, this is one of the many places I intend to be just fine never visiting. 

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The Shopocalypse

I recently saw this documentary "What Would Jesus Buy" about the commercialization of Christmas. I watched it with my wife who, it just so happens, is pretty fed up with Christmas. The past few years have went something like this: We buy a bunch of stuff, give it to a bunch of people who bought a bunch of stuff and gave it to us. The End.

Although we were not very impressed with the good Reverend Billy of the Church of Stop Shopping, we get it. We're addicted and have been "led like Sheeple to the Christmas slaughter." We have fallen prey to the wolf that is Walmart.

We started to think about what material items we have that we really would not want to wake up on Christmas morning without. Aside from the obvious and most important answers, shelter, clothing, indoor plumbing, the first thing that came to my mind was a plastic gorilla that I found in my grandpa's truck after he died. It is about 5 inches long and has definitely seen better days and to anybody else would no doubt be junk. However, to me it is priceless. This may not be a very good example because it was not actually a gift, but if it were, it would be the best gift I could have gotten. And, now, don't miss this, it was FREE. No long lines at Walmart, no back ordered Elmo dolls or Wii stations, no inconceivably ridiculous price for a piece of plastic that certainly won't make it until next Christmas.

I guess what I got most from this weird and mostly annoying movie was this, I have no idea what was the hot item for Christmas the year my grandpa died, but I'm pretty sure it was not a little plastic gorilla long forgotten that was on the dash of a beat-up old pickup.

What Would Jesus Buy

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Long Walks on the Beach

I don't know about you, but this really creeps me out.

I went to the dentist last week. Let me stop there. The dentist sucks. We can move on now.

While I was in the waiting room, I started to peruse the local paper and came across a story out of Hawaii. It read "Two sisters-in-law who were walking along a rocky Kauai shoreline apparently drowned when a large wave struck the women and pulled them out to sea." Please note, it did not read "Two sisters-in-law who were walking along a rocky Kauai shoreline during a hurricane" or "Two sisters-in-law who were attempting to hang ten on a hyper fierce gnar gnar." No, they were just walking.

Just to clarify, apparently it is possible that while my sweetheart and I are walking down the beach, enjoying a beautiful sunset, not a care in the world, minding our own beeswax a freak wave can come out of nowhere and swallow us up. No warning, one second, a cold Corona and oceanic bliss, the next, gulp. I decided to look into this disturbing phenomenon and discovered it to be an all too familiar headline.

In February of this year a freak wave hit a Durban beach killing 1 and leaving 18 others in need of immediate rescue. In September, also this year, a rogue wave at Middle Cove Beach on the coast of Newfoundland sent water 20 meters inland into the parking lot. One of the startled survivors had this to say, "This big wave just grabbed me and washed me out". Perhaps the most disturbing was in Acapulco, April of 2007. Six people were rescued after being swept out into Acapulco Bay when an unusually large wave washed over part of the coastal road. The six people were apparently walking along the beach when the wave hit. The wave occurred on a sunny, hot day with no storm in sight, and its source was not clear.

Of course, there are several perfectly plausible reasons why these freak waves can occur. Land formations, earthquakes, weather disturbances and currents just to name a few.

So this is my suggestion. The sign on the beach should read. 1. Swim at your own risk. 2. Alcohol and glass containers are not allowed. 3. No pets on the beach. 4. No vehicles on the beach. 5. Watch out for random, 30 foot walls of water that could crash down at any moment and drag you out to sea. Enjoy your day at the beach.

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My Hero

For the most part, that title has been reserved for a fictitious character in a comic or a movie. Other times, it gets used as kind of a joke. "Ferris Bueller, you're my hero". Of course who could forget Bette's ballad "The Wind Beneath my Wings". But I gotta tell you, aside from the incredible men and women in our Armed Service, past and present, heros are tough to come by lately. That is until October 2, 2008 when I discovered, right under my nose was a real live hero.

On that date, I was surfing the blogosphere, making my usual rounds to blogs of interest. I happened upon one of my favorites. I was excited, a new post. I started to read and immediately realized this was not a regular, run of the mill, how the world is treating me post. This one was going to make me cry. Here is the just of it.

The author apparently woke up one day in early February of 2008 and saw one of those news stories that produces that lump in the back of your throat. You know the kind, man jumps in front of a bus to save a little girl or a group of citizen's gets together to help a homeless mother of two get back on her feet. I don't know about you, but I always feel a little guilty, like, why didn't I jump in front of a bus or climb a tree to save a kitten. However, as inspiring as these news stories are, its in one ear and out the other. Back to our hero. This particular story was about a woman who anonymously donated bone marrow to a teenager, saving his life. To a mere mortal this could possibly inspire one to donate some time, maybe some blood, but to a superhero it meant something a lot more, shall we say invasive.

Our fearless crusader began to research being a kidney donor. She called around to all the local hospitals, who it turns out, had no idea what to do with her. Here is how the conversation would go:

Hero: "Hi, I would like to be a living kidney donor."

Nurse: "Are you dying?"

Hero: "Not that I know of."

Nurse: "Do you know of someone that needs a kidney."

Hero: "No, that's why I'm calling you."

Nurse: "Sorry, but we do not have a program for anonymous kidney donors."

This is where I would have said "Well, I gave it a try, it just wasn't in the cards, maybe next time" and then I would start to breathe again realizing what I almost did. But again, not our hero. She continued to research and eventually found a young boy who needed a kidney. After vigorous testing, it turns out that her kidney is more of a match then the child's own family's. There are still lots of tests to do, but it looks good that this will happen.

Before you go to this blog and read it, I don't want you to miss the fact that our hero refers to all of the positive results of the testing done by the doctors as "miracles". It is true, they are miracles, but there is one miracle that stands above and beyond any of the medical ones. That is the entirely selfless and absolutely incredible choice of our hero, my sister, Cynthia Bowers. Because I know that it is possible that the family of this little boy may never know what you have done, let me and your family say, "Thank You".

http://thiscanwork.blogspot.com/

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The Ballot

Please use a black or blue medium ballpoint pen only. If one is not available please come back in 4 years and try to be more prepared. Please notice the box to the left of your choice, do not fill in that box. Please count 2 boxes down and 4 boxes across, do not fill that box in either. Instead, look for the box that is marked A,B,C or K and place a check mark under all of the above. Make no stray marks on the ballot or else your vote will be applied to the opposing party. Do not use inks that soak through the paper or that may be mistaken for a white powdery substance. To vote for a write-in candidate, completely fill in the box provided to the left of the words "Write-in" and write in the name of the candidate on the line provided or refer to your common sense. If no line has been provided please start over, you are using the wrong ballot. To cast a straight-party vote, your favorite movie cannot have starred Doris Day or Liza Minelli. Selecting a party automatically selects all candidates associated with that party including but not limited to known or unknown felons, terrorists or close talkers. If you select a candidate associated with a party other than the straight-party selection, your vote for that candidate will be counted in that particular contest, but in no particular order, and will be applied to the candidate that is most likely to be affiliated with the mob. You must be at least 18 to vote. Exceptions can be made if your birthday falls between August 12 and October 23 and you have never been to or no anybody from the states of Montana, Nebraska or New Mexico. Pursuant to Code 66,567,980 Section 23-15-367 (Set Game & Match) the order of candidates for each office was predetermined by a wet T-shirt contest. The orders are interchangeable and in no way reflect the opinions of this blogger dude.

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Californian's Don't Need to Pee

Recently, the Black Magic Woman and I packed up the cast members and headed across the desert to the Mouse's House. The trip was outstanding, thanks in most part to St. Rosemarie for lending us the time share. But that is beside the point, or in this case, the post. I wanted to bring your attention to a little known fact about Californians: it appears they never have to pee.

"Hello, I am Arnold Schwarzenegger and let me be zee first to velcome you to de grand state of California, vhere ve do not need to pee. Because ve have no need to pee, I have removed every toilet from vithin 175 miles of any freevay outside of Los Angeles."

Well that's just great, however, in Arizona, "ve" have to pee like every 20 minutes. This created a problem when travelling with four females from the Grand Canyon State. At one point on our way home, we were somewhere just past Riverside, when Daughter Who is Smarter Than I said, "Dad, I need a toilet." 

"But, honey," I reply, "We are in California. You know that there are no toilets anywhere near this freeway. Why didn't you go four hours ago before we left the hotel?" I get the expected, "Are you seriously that stupid?" look from the back seat. 

Then Daughter Who is Still in Diapers says, "Daeey, I nee toyett too."

"No, you are still in diapers. You don't need a toilet." I remind her. "Just go pee pee in your diaper and we will change it as soon as we can."

"No I nin't go pee pee in my diaper animore!" she furiously yells from the back of the minivan. 

"It has been quite a while since we stopped," the Black Magic Woman chimes in. 

Mutiny!

"Do you have to pee too?" I ask Daughter Who Misses Her Cats. 

"Yea, and poo."

That settles it. I get off at the next somewhat-civilized looking exit and begin to use all of the common sense I have for restroom hunting. First I enter a residential-type area, thinking that these people have to eat. There will be a fast food joint or a grocery store around. Nope. Then I make my way downtown toward the industrial side. Nothing. Finally, while passing a greenbelt, Magic says "The door on that building over there says 'Women'." I make a sharp right and pull over. The girls get out and use the bathroom which Black Magic describes as having a hole and a handle, the latter apparently just for decoration.  

As everyone gets buckled and Still in Diapers gets changed, I realize that it is quite possible that we are in Mexico somewhere. It's getting dark and there is Mariachi playing in the background. I set off to find the freeway, making a mental note that flying may be a good idea next time. 

Arnold, if you find your way to this here blog: Seriously man, I've seen The Terminator and assume you have a modulator or something that you hook up with to get rid of waste, but the rest of us Sarah Conner types need toilets.  

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Hooky

A couple of weeks ago, my wife informed me that the third installment of the latest Disney cash cow had arrived: High School Musical 3. You can imagine my elation. So in preparation for this glorious event, I scheduled to take the day off of work. This tactic is to impose my own version of crowd control by attending the feature during hours when the most likely clientele are absorbed in the menial tasks of high school. Ironic, huh?

First my credentials. You may be wondering if a middle-aged dude whose favorite pastime is watching two men kick the crap out of each other in a steel cage should be critiquing a musical. I have compiled what I believe to be an impressive resume showcasing my ability to address this issue. First, I have seen High School Musical 1 & 2 437 times each; been to the off-broadway version; listened to my girls belt out "Bop To The Top" 17 times in a row via the Wii version. By the way, it is not a good idea to engage in this before bed. I have played the DVD High School Musical Trivial Pursuit game; been involved in a stampede to secure a decent position to witness the California Daze live float version in Anaheim; spent $2.5 million on clothing, purses, backpacks, CD's, dolls, playing cards, pencils, notebooks, board games, table cloths, plates, cups, posters, jewelry, candy, and, my favorite, High School Musical chapstick.

So after much hype and news that the flick has broken all imaginable box office records, the magical day has finally arrived. Like an athlete on game day, my girls prepare for the event with an hour or so on the Wii system, followed by twice through the soundtrack and a warm-up round on the Nintendo DS version. From past experience, my wife and I have determined it necessary to apply the Three Hours Per Child Preparedness Rule. This rule states that no less than three hours of preparing per child is required in order to arrive anywhere on time. There is the need for snacks, drinks, diapers, hair products, extra clothing, more diapers, and various other crucial items that, if forgotten, will indeed provide for a less-than-perfect outing. So after making our list and checking it twice...

we're off.

Wait, we forgot the diaper bag.

And we're off.

We make a stop at a local fast food joint for lunch and make it to the theater about 30 minutes before the movie is scheduled to start. As we approach the box offices, it becomes clear that no one is there to give us the warm welcome one would expect when about to drop a 50 note. Instead we are greeted by 5 ticketing kiosks. They stand side by side in a row and I expect to hear the opening drums for the royal changing of the guard wherein the machines would stand at attention, salute and begin the ritual replacement by 5 identical machines. This would have been worth a 50 note.

I have come to realize I have absolutely zero talent with anything electronic. This has been proven, without fail, on numerous occasions. When I need cash, it's a difficult decision: try panhandling or lose my card to the merciless ATM. Go ahead, hand me the tin cup and accordion. Needless to say, when I saw that we were going to have to battle the corps of card crunching kiosks, I turned to my wife and said, "Well it looks like they're closed. Maybe we should try back later." My wife who, in our family has earned the title of "Our Fearless Leader" stepped up to the machine, inserted our payment card, and began furiously pushing buttons and pulling levers. With several beeps and slurs, and some smoke, okay not so much smoke, we were given the message that maybe the most annoying message ever created. "Loading, please wait." This is a problem on a couple of fronts. First, how long am I supposed to wait? A minute, an hour, maybe until Nursing Home Muscial comes out? Second, what to do if nothing happens, which was the outcome this time. Fortunately we notice a commotion near the box office. A young man setting up his cash drawer. We jump into line and purchase our tickets. A quick glance at the watch reveals 15 minutes to spare.

We found our theater to be empty save an elderly woman in the back row, probably a music teacher or maybe someone from the original cast of "Grease" there to check out the new breed. After sitting through what seemed an endless stream of previews, and previews of the previews to come, the featured presentation began. In a nutshell, the movie was brilliant. The production, writing, acting and choreography were spectacular as were the first two installments. But the day was so much more than just a great show. The sky was an endless sea of blue, the temperature was cool and my wife and kids were the greatest company anyone could ever ask for. Playing hooky with these girls was the greatest fun and I can't wait to do it again.

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Tagged

My four legged friend Nooter the Dog has tagged this blog. Don't worry, I'm told that our expert cleaning crew has purchased several bottles of the best pet odor removal products available. We should have this cleaned up as soon as possible. While you are waiting for the blog to reopen, please enjoy these seven weird facts about myself: 

1. I am 6"4, look like Captain Ahab and can deadlift a pickup truck, however, I cannot resist a bubble bath. (Seriously, don't tell anyone I wrote that.)
2. I have seen High School Musical 437 times. (That either.)
3. Just recently, my wife caught me looking at another woman's blog. 
4. I cannot speak Canadian.
5. I feel more like I do now than I did when I came in.
6. I have a dog called "Dupwarduddabuds" named after that french guy in that one movie.
7. I have three beautiful little girls who once wrote "fart pig" on their uncle's forehead while he was sleeping. 

Okay, here are the rules:

1.  Link the person who tagged you. 

2. Post the rules on your blog.

3. Share seven random or weird facts about yourself.

4. Tag seven others and include links to their blogs. 

5. Let each of the other people know by commenting on their blogs. 

And now for the seven nominees:

1. It's Just Diary-A

2. Titus 2 Woman

3. Omah's Helping Hands

4. This Can Work

5. Simply Heather

6. Wind Canyon Writings

7. Dwell & Cultivate

You have been tagged.

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The Boardroom

From FluSoft Home Office:

Good morning! Let's begin with introductions. Starting on my left is Bob Type A Influenza from Production; Larry Type B Influenza from Marketing; Max Type B Influenza from our Bug Resources department; Karen Type A Influenza from Public Relations; Jenny Type A Influenza from Legal; our CEO Donald Type B Influenza and I'm Shelly Type A Influenza, Vice President.

Okay, let's get started.

As you are aware, at the end of this month we will introduce FluVista, our latest Nasal Transfer Operating System designed to improve the state of infection in a market saturated with Superbugs. Donald and I have called this meeting to discuss any last-minute strategy changes that may be beneficial to the smooth rollout of this revolutionary product. Let's start with Bob from Production.

Thank you, Shelly. We are excited in Production to see the fruit of our intense commitment to the quality production of this product. You can be assured that all of our Flu Bugs will be equipped with FluVista at rollout. In fact, we only have about 27 bazillion bugs remaining who have not received the download. We anticipate that small number of bugs should receive the installment by the end of the week.

Thanks, Bob. Now let's turn our attention to Larry in Marketing who will discuss the release date of our largest competitor Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus's new product.

Thank you, Shelly. While it is true, MRSA has a scheduled release date for their latest product, the iMRSA, we should not see any decline in infection this quarter. However, due to our competition's incredible breakthroughs in the area of resistance to antibiotics, we may see a drop in overall earnings by this time next flu season. That being said, I had a meeting with one of our promising young research bugs last night wherein I was assured that production of the Avian influenza strain we have all been anticipating should begin by the next flu season.

That sounds wonderful, Larry. Thank you. Karen from Public Relations has a quick word on the Flu shot epidemic:

Good morning everyone, I am sure you have heard the recent news about the massive quantity of flu vaccinations available to the hosts. Rest assured, our media resources have advised that these vaccinations would have worked against our grandparents, but will be utterly useless against us. On another note, we are in the finishing stages of a partnership with one of the oldest and largest Bacteria Corporations known to bugkind: E. Coli. The merge will aid, finance and assist us in the ever changing field of bacterial infestation without having to create another business entity.

Thank you, Karen. Max, do you have anything you would like to add?

Just that we need to remember that, with any merger comes diversity. In the future we may find the very blood vessels we work in and the stomach's we eat in may be needed by E. Coli employees. Just try to be nice. That all.

Thanks, Max. I'm sure, as leaders, you will all convey to your bugs the importance of maintaining an environment free from prejudices.

How about you, Jenny? Whatever happened to that lawsuit from the bugs over at The Common Cold?

Dismissed for lack of evidence. They're just jealous.

Okay then... Donald has a few words in closing.

Good morning and thank you all for your hard work and dedication to this project. As you are aware, I have spent an enormous amount of time promoting my BugTV program "The Apprentice Season 79". I thank you, Shelly, for holding down the fort in my absence. You are the greatest team ever assembled at FluSoft and together, we will set the standard for infectious disease across the world. Remember our slogan hear at FluSoft: Your potential. Our infection. 

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The Yankees

I parted ways with the Yanks about the time Boggs came over from the Sox. I was not able to get along with upper management after that. Growing up in the baseball tight midwest, all who peed standing up followed the Yankees, even if you did not like them, which we all lied and said we didn't, you had to know how they did last night. How many did Guidry strikeout, or Mattingly went 4-4 with a walkoff dinger.

Although I never actually saw Yankee Stadium, I feel like something is just not right. Every time a piece of the past as big as this goes away, I wonder if it can ever be replaced. Sure the new stadium will rock, but in 85 years will it have that Yankee mystique. Will we look back and say it was the house that Chamberlain or Cano built. I not sure the Yankees can still be "The Yankees" now. You have to wonder if the outcome of this season was not the magical mystical powers of the legend that is Yankee Stadium quoting the great Yogi ""So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face."

I love the game so I will make it through this, but after Wrigley and Fenway go, we will have truly lost a great part of baseball history. That being said, one thing is for sure, The Cardinals will be back in the series next year. Go Cardinals.

game over for "the house that ruth built"

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